The boys are now starting Pre-K. For the past two weeks, they had meetings with their teachers - one at a nearby school and one at our house. This afternoon they actually got to visit their classroom. They had such a blast! I know they are not going to have any problem with me leaving them there. It's only 3 hours, 5 days a week. I was surprised they are going 5 days but I'm going to enjoy the alone time with Annabelle.

Nick loved it so much he didn't want to leave. Everytime we've left school, he has thrown the hugest fit like I've never seen before. Last time it took me 20 minutes to get him strapped into his carseat so we could leave. OMG, I was going nuts!! He just tensed up and I couldn't get his butt in the seat, much less put the straps on. This time wasn't as bad, probably because dh was with me. He did scream quite a bit after we got to the car, though.

Here are a few pics:

Aaron

Nick & Aaron

Nick

Aaron looking at Nick's art project with a magnifying glass:

By the way, their shirts say, "Monkey See, Monkey Do, Monkey Get in Trouble, Too"

UGH!!  I feel like everything is spiraling out of control right now.  It's a snowball effect, one thing after another and it keeps building and building.

Mariam's birthday is in just 3 1/2 weeks.  This is the time of year when I sulk, and sink into a bit of depression.  I've come to expect that, and I tried to compensate by starting the antidepressants (Wellbutrin) a little early.  I've been using Wellbutrin on and off for almost 3 years.  I take it when I need it, usually around anniversary dates (September-January.)  It's just that this year, my grief is being compounded by other stresses.

Lead is evil.  I don't know whose wise idea it was to put lead in everything - paint, mini blinds, flooring - but they should be shot.  Is there some kind of class action lawsuit we can join?  Seriously, this is awful.  Nick's lead level is 20, and Aaron's is 17.  Nick officially has lead poisoning, and Aaron is only 3 points away.  We have so much work to do on our house.  I just want to cry, and I have.  We have to get rid of the miniblinds, the vinyl flooring, the carpets, put up vinyl siding.  In the meantime, we'll need to repaint all the structures inside the house and then seal it with polyurethane.  That stuff is $40 a gallon at Lowe's.  Seriously, why can't Ty Pennington just come redo our house???

My mom is having surgery on her knee on Tuesday.  My dad is in the beginning stage of cancer, carcinoma in situ.  And me, well, I'm the heaviest that I have ever been and I am absolutely miserable.  I'm so fat, I have no energy.  Get up and exercise, yeah right, I have no stamina either.  I have tried and tried and tried to lose weight and it's not working.  Either that, or I'll lose weight and gain it all back.  This really sucks, and I'm out of options. 

I need a pity party, who wants to come?

I had been in the hospital for so long... a couple years (or so it seemed!)  Okay, seriously, over a month.  I had been on bedrest, and they were monitoring me for preterm labor and preeclampsia.  I had that monitor stuck to my belly for 23 hours a day, 7 days a week.  The only break I got was when I got my 30 minute wheelchair ride around the hospital to keep me from having cabin fever.

I had been off the terbutaline pump for just over a week, and off of oral terb for a day or so.  I was given the okay to get up out of my bed for the first time in months.  I walked around that hospital like there was no tomorrow.  After months of bedrest, I was finally able to get up and move!!!  I did so many laps, I was so excited to be out of that bed.

Then, by 4am, I was contracting like crazy and 4cm dilated.  My OB was called in, and I was being prepped for me c-section at about 7am!!  I was scared, so scared that I was shaking like crazy.  But when I heard my OB say, "Well, hello little one!" and then, the most beautiful cry in the world, I started crying.  All the heartache we had went through, all the pain, the scary times, helicopter ride, trips to St Louis, bedrest, everything, it was all worth it.  I'd do it all over again!

I'd went through a delivery before.  It wasn't a c-section, it was vaginal.  I delivered my baby, but it was a silent birth.  A stillbirth.  I think that this made the boys' birth an even more joyous occasion.  All of the feelings were all jumbled together.  Fear, relief, joy; it was quite a mix.  I remember Aaron's first cry, and I knew everything was going to be okay.  Exactly one minute later, there was another cry.  Nick had made it safely into the world.

Here's a short video from that day:

http://www.memoriesofmariam.com/images/videos/birthday.WMV

 

Nick, Julie, Madison, Me, Annie & Aaron

Madison & Annie

Nick & Aaron

Julie & Annie

Playing with the pinata

Nick

Aaron & Mike

Hmm… where do I begin? Let’s start with Aaron & Nick. I can’t seem to keep up with Nicholas sometimes. He’s crawling all over the place. He’s standing up on his own, holding on to the baby gate, couch, coffee table, whatever is available. He can scoot from side to side, a little bit too. Yesterday he was standing up, holding on to the baby gate, and he let go! I even caught it on video, he was waving his arms in the air trying to keep his balance, it was cute!Aaron has had one tooth pop through, and I think he’s getting two more, one on each side. He’s saying Dada quite a bit. It’s really cute, because if you say Dada in a regular tone, so will he. If you whisper it, he’ll whisper Dada too! He’s also said Mama once or twice, Hi, Baba a couple times, and a few words that he just made up. Nick has only said Mama, and it’s only been when he was crying.

Now for this pregnancy. I’m 12 weeks 5 days, 2 days away from the second trimester! Wow, it’s going fast. I guess it’s probably because I’ve got the boys to keep me busy. I’ve been very crampy. I called my doctor’s office, and they said it’s normal, but I’m concerned about my irritable uterus flaring up. I see Dr Hartman on March 24, so I’ll talk to her about it. Maybe she’ll even give me an ultrasound! That would be great. Otherwise, my next u/s is at 20 weeks. Which, really, is only 7 weeks away!I’ve heard the baby’s heartbeat on my doppler 3 times now. 172 bpm, 168 bpm, and the other day, 172 bpm again. Very fast, maybe that means we’re having another girl!I have noticed that I’ve been a lot less paranoid about this pregnancy. Most likely that’s because I’ve had a (fairly) successful pregnancy now. I mean, it was really hard and lots of complications, but it did result in two, healthy, beautiful baby boys! Maybe there’s nothing genetically wrong, maybe Mariam’s death was just a fluke. We’ll never know now. But I’m sure she’s watching over us, and this pregnancy will go fine.

Speaking of Mariam, I think I’ve finally just broke down and accepted that we’re going to have to get her one of those headstones that I don’t like. I saw one that was recently installed, and it was actually pretty. I guess I was just so caught up in giving her the best I could, that I was being blind to ones that were available. I’ve been so upset that our cemetery would only allow a certain type of headstone, but that’s nothing I can change, so I have to accept it. I don’t want her buried there, I want her in my family cemetery, but we were under a lot of stress and pressure when she died, and we just accepted the offer of a free casket & plot. We had two free offers, but the other place, she wouldn’t have her own plot, she’d be in a mass grave with one stone for all babies, and I just couldn’t do that. I’m hoping this summer we can put a down payment on her stone. Maybe we’ll be lucky enough to have it installed for her second Angel Day. I think I might find a little closure when her grave is finally marked, and I am able to bring her flowers on a regular basis.

Today I am thankful for the health of my boys.