It’s not fair! My doctor accepted a higher position in Central Illinois, which will require him to relocate. This is great news for him, and I’m happy for him. He’s the best doctor that I’ve ever seen, and I don’t want to have to go to someone else. He’s a family practitioner. There’s an OB that I had considered going to when I first found out I was pregnant, and will likely end up going to him now. But I hate to have to go to someone else, when I love my doctor, and he has already invested so much time and emotion into my past and future pregnancies. He was so kind and even very gentle during the “woman exams” and Mariam’s birth.I’m just beside myself. He leaves in a month.

More later.

I had my two week follow-up yesterday. The autopsy report hasn’t come back in yet, and the doctor said it may take a couple more weeks to get it. On the positive side, he said that my Triple Screen taken at 18 Weeks came back fine, all negative. My blood pressure is a little lower, and he said my uterus felt like it was fine.My bleeding is almost gone, just light spotting now, and I’ve had little to no cramping. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the autopsy report comes back soon, and it’s all clear. I think I’d rather it be a fluke than genetic.

I checked into the hospital at 8:00 p.m. on Monday, September 8th. Along with me was Mike, Mom, my sister Laura, Mike's parents Brenda and Gary, and later my other sister, Julie. At 8:30 p.m. I was given my first and only dose of Cervidel. This is a medication inserted into the cervix to promote effacement and dilation. It started the contractions, but not near enough. The contractions were very weak, and I was unable to feel them. Shortly after, the pain grew, along with nausea. Not from the contractions, but mainly from a very sore spot in my back and a bad headache. My nurse gave me a shot of Stadol with Phenergan. Before the shot was even completely injected, I was asleep. I woke up somewhere around 5 a.m. on Tuesday. Tuesday was a big blur to me. All I remember was taking several naps and occasionally being checked, along with the occasional dose of Cytotec. Tuesday morning, my doctor came back in to tell me he was going to try something else. We had discussed the use of a controversial drug, Cytotec, earlier. It is controversial in women who have a living fetus, so the concerns of it's use on me were very minimal.

That evening, my doctor came back in to check on me. He lifted the clear liquid only diet and finally I would be getting something real to eat. He also told me that at 10 p.m. I would be administered my fifth and final dose of Cytotec. He was going to let me get a good night's sleep and then start Pitocin in the morning. After my fourth dose of Cytotec, around 8 p.m. on Tuesday, my contractions started getting stronger. They still didn't hurt too bad, but I could definitely tell they were stronger and longer. However, my horrible back pain was back. My nurse gave me another shot, I'm not sure of what this time. It was another pain reliever / sedative. It did not make me fall asleep as quick, and did take some of the pain away. At 10 p.m., my doctor came back in to check me and administer the final dose of Cytotec. Between 10 p.m. and Midnight, my contractions grew steadily longer and harder. My nurse gave me another shot of pain reliever / sedative but at that point, the pain reliever had no effect. My mom, my sister and Mike's mom had went home sometime after 8 p.m. to try to get a good night's sleep. Mike called his mom and had her come back to the hospital since I seemed to be getting worse, and the monitor wasn't picking up on my contractions. After she got there, I was laying down and felt something wet between my legs. I reached down and told Brenda that I thought my water had just broke. As I brought my hand back up and put it on my head, she replied, "That's not your water, that's blood."

She went to get my nurse and my nurse examined me. Active labor had begun, it was bloody show. Mike called my mom and my sisters to tell them to hurry and get back to the hospital. Between 12 p.m. and 12:38 p.m. I experienced the worst pain of my life. It was huge contractions. When they had checked me at 10 p.m., I had not dilated at all. Later, they would all laugh at me because I would fall asleep, wake up, have a contraction, moan and cry that I couldn't do this, fall asleep then start all over again. I cried for more pain relievers, but it wasn't doable. I honestly felt at that point that the pain was going to kill me. About 12:36 I cried out that I was feeling pressure, and the baby was coming. Laura ran out of the room to get my doctor. He came back to the delivery room and slipped on a pair of gloves, just in time to reach for Mariam's head. In one small push, she was out. Mike didn't realize it at first, until he saw the little hands and feet. At that point, he broke down. The whole room started to sob. My doctor wrapped Mariam up and asked me if I wanted to see her. I said yes. He showed her to me and asked me if I wanted to hold her. I said no. Mike asked if it was a boy or girl. The doctor looked and said softly, "A girl." The nurses then took her out of the room to clean her up and get her dressed for pictures. The doctor told me my work wasn't done yet. It was time to deliver the placenta. After 3 small pushes and one large, the placenta was out. We named her Mariam Averi, which means Wished for Child, of the Heavens. She weighed 1 lb 2.7 oz and was 12" long.

My doctor tried to explain a few things to me about him being gone for two weeks and the autopsy, but I didn't hear most of it. I kept drifting off and my mom was waking me back up. Everyone left after this. My nurse came back in shortly after to let me know she was dressed and asked me if I wanted to see her a last time. I did, so she brought her back in. She asked me if I wanted to hold her. At that time, I did. Previously, I was scared and now am glad I took the chance to hold her. I studied her face, her arms and her hands. I had asked Mike if he wanted to hold her. He shrugged his arms, so I told him that was okay if he didn't want to. I was too scared to uncover the rest of her, I guess scared that I might break her. I held her in my arms while I nodded off a couple times. About half an hour later, I told Mike I was ready for the nurse to come and get her. I didn't want to fall totally asleep with her in my arms for fear of something bad happening (though not sure what the "bad" would have been.) I tried to raise up to put her back in the cradle, but my body couldn't move more than a couple of inches. Mike walked around the bed, took her out of my arms, and placed her back in the isolette. He then called the nurse to tell her we were ready. My nurse took her away, that was the last time I ever saw my daughter.
She came back shortly and went over a few things with me, none that I remember. She told me I had the option of staying in the maternity ward or being moved to the surgical ward. I opted for the surgical ward, thinking staying around babies and new mothers may be a little much for us to handle. Mike tried to sleep that night in the waiting room, in the chair, and on the floor. Nothing worked for him, and I slept for about 3 hours. I was discharged on Wednesday, September 10th in the early afternoon. We buried our daughter the following Monday, September 15th at 1:00 pm. It was a beautiful graveside service with friends, family and a stunning balloon release.

Mariam Averi was born on Wednesday, September 10 at 12:38 a.m.My doctor has been wonderful throughout my entire pregnancy, right to labor and the delivery of Mariam. I have to be honest, I was a little nervous about seeing a male doctor for “female” things, but I know now that I chose the best doctor possible. He handled this situation the best way possible, and was very kind. Incidentally, three years ago, he also delivered my niece, Abbey.

My nurses at the hospital were also a Godsend. They were very caring and compassionate, helping out in every way that they could. I am thankful to have had such wonderful support through Mariam’s birth.

Just wanted to give an update to let everyone know where things stand. As of 8:00 AM, Saturday morning, I have still shown no signs of labor. As a matter of fact, I feel fine. I have had very mild cramping, but it’s barely noticeable. No bleeding, no fluid leakage, no contractions, no fever. In fact, I still have morning sickness. I really don’t see myself going into labor today or tomorrow, and so I will most likely see the doctor again on Monday morning at 11:30. Then, we will discuss further options such as induction, and it will most likely be scheduled. If it’s anything like the emergency ultrasound the other day, he may just send me straight to the hospital from the clinic. I don’t know exactly what to expect, I don’t even know if I’ll be staying in the hospital overnight. I will try to keep everyone posted as things progress.We’ve had a crazy week. We’ve had alot of support from family, friends and acquaintances, which has been a huge help. I don’t really think it’s totally set in yet, and I’m pretty sure it won’t until it actually happens (most likely on Monday.) Right now, we’re just taking it one day at a time. The baby will be sent for an autopsy after it is born. Afterwards, we are planning a small service. My mother-in-law, who use to work in OB at the hospital I’ll be delivering, said that she’s pretty sure there are a few funeral homes who will do free services for babies. So many thoughts have raced through my mind, like, what if they are mistaken? Maybe they just didn’t check well enough for a heartbeat. After all, the technician was rather fast and didn’t stay focused on one spot very long. I didn’t actually see the screen, but Mike did. When the technician left the room and I sat up on the table I looked at the screen. All of my information was there, the ultrasound screen and everything. In the triangle where the baby was suppose to be, it was pitch black, since it wasn’t actually scanning. The picture of that was very profound, unsettling and ominous. I know that this is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and maybe ever will do. I’ve decided that providing the delivery goes well, I would like to see the baby, maybe even take a picture or two. Mike hasn’t said what his plans are yet, but I imagine they are the same. I would like to thank everyone for their support and condolences