And with it comes change.  There has been so much going on here lately, I hardly know where to start.

 The boys had their first dentist appointment yesterday and they did wonderful!  The dentist said that their teeth look great.  She said I'm doing a great job with them and to continue brushing their teeth for them, then letting them take over.  Nick has an overbite and Aaron has an overjet.  They go back next month for a cleaning.

Aaron & Nicholas are also starting pre-k.  They are meeting their teacher for the first time this Friday.  I'm nervous about it.  I'm ready for them to go to pre-k but I'm also emotional about it.  It doesn't seem like they are old enough yet.  It's brought up some other issues.  I sometimes envy parents who start out with one child because I think of how much time they get to spend with them one on one. Here my boys are about to start school and I never really got to spend one on one time with them. I started thinking of how now I can get some time alone with Annabelle and feel like she's also been cheated out of some quality time.

 This time of year is always hard. Mariam's birthday is in just a few weeks and I've been thinking of her a lot lately. I've thought about how different things would have been if she were here and I get so weepy. I wish I could have had her and then had my other kids as well, but I know that's not possible. The boys wouldn't be here if she had not died. She's given me so many gifts, including my other children, my compassion towards other bereaved parents and I think it's made me a better person.

I don't know why things worked out the way they did for us. It was at such a high cost but I love my children and am forever grateful for them. I'm just so weepy lately with all the what if's. I'm ready for a break from the boys but at the same time I don't know if they are ready for school yet. I don't know if I'm ready for them to be ready for school. I feel like I'm having to let go of their infancy when I wasn't able to enjoy it. I know kids grow up, it's just emotional. I really regret not being able to do all the things with them I wanted to do, like go to the park, go shopping. I just couldn't take three kids at once, it was nearly impossible. The few times I tried it was a mess. Now I feel like i'm a mess with all these regrets.

I'm definitely dreading September.

I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  I'm going to ask for a refill on my Wellbutrin because I feel like I really need it right now and I know it takes a week or two to really kick in.  I'm also going to officially start the process of the gastric bypass.  I know that may seem like an easy out to some people.  You know what though, I've tried everything else.  I've tried many diets, I've seen two nutritionists, I've done the charting of fats, carbs, calories, etc.  I've even done excercise and Curves.  Still nothing is working and I don't know why.  I know I'll be much happier when I'm thinner, as I'll have more energy and be able to do more things with the kids without getting so tired.

 

Veto Richardson for President:  Ignorant and Autocratic Misuse of Power

New Mexico Governer and Presidential Hopeful Bill Richardson Vetoed SB17, Outraging Bereaved Parents of Babies Who Died!

NOW LET'S VETO RICHARDSON.

WE DEMAND AN APOLOGY! TELL HIM SO HERE:
Bill Richardson for President

http://www.myspace.com/richardsonforpresident

Repost this all over myspace!
OR IF YOU HAVE A BLOG PLEASE POST:

(Press Release Below)
VETO RICHARDSON FOR PRESIDENT: IGNORANT AND AUTOCRATIC MISUSE OF POWER

NM GOVERNOR AND PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL BILL RICHARDSON VETOED SB17, OUTRAGING BEREAVED MOTHERS OF BABIES WHO DIED!

NOW LET'S VETO RICHARDSON.

Please read below- then email AND call asap, expressing your feelings about this! (EVERYONE should do this since he's running for president, not just NM residents!)

WE DEMAND AN APOLOGY! TELL HIM SO HERE:

Email from this page:
http://www.governor.state.nm.us/emailchoice.php?mm=6
and this page:
http://www.richardsonforpresident.com/page/s/contact

Tell him he will NOT get your vote!

Then call the governor's office
PHONE: (505) 476-2200
And call the campaign office (or fax)
PHONE: 505-982-2291
FAX: 505-982-3652

Tell him he's offended bereaved women and men and children across the nation. Tell him we stand against him until he makes this right!
****************************************************
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Joanne Cacciatore, PhD Candidate, MSW, CEO MISS Foundation info@missfoundation.org
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson Stuns Tens-of Thousands of Bereaved Parents and Vetoes the MISSing Angels Bill
Parents nationwide outraged at indifference and ignorance!
Albuquerque, NM. (April 7, 2007)--- Just last month, the New Mexico MISSing Angels Bill (SB17), passed the New Mexico legislature with unanimous, bipartisan support. Yet, today, April 7, 2007, presidential hopeful and Governor Bill Richardson vetoed this important piece of legislation, making New Mexico the first of nearly 30 states to reject the will of its citizens and legislators regarding the way in which the birth of a stillborn baby is recognized and recorded.

The MISSing Angels Bill (SB17) was created to help provide much-needed comfort, dignity, and legal documentation to women and their families experiencing the death of a baby just prior to or during birth. Currently, New Mexico law requires reporting of stillbirth/fetal deaths and demands that families pay funeral costs for their deceased baby, yet provides no acknowledgement that the baby was born. "It's an unthinkable tragedy," says Carin Dhouadi, New Mexico resident and constituent. "I gave birth to a full term baby who died, and the state says I must bury her. But they won't say she was born? How can you die if you never were?"

Joanne Cacciatore, CEO of the MISS Foundation and a PhD Candidate who studies stillbirth, passed the first bill in Arizona in 2001, and has worked to pass it in other states since. She says that families around the nation are outraged at Richardson's move. "Richardson has just flippantly driven a stake through the heart of this legislation that addresses the ultimate woman's issue…Women give birth. And their babies- about one in 100- are dying as a result of stillbirth. He's perpetuating the ignorance," she says.

The change might not seem significant to many. However, to those who have experienced the anguish of losing a baby – SB17 is an important step in allowing grieving parents the same respect given to the woman leaving the hospital with a healthy infant in her arms. "This bill had support from everyone, including pro-choice legislators like Representatives Gail Chasey and Mimi Stewart, who understand this as an important woman's issue," said Halo Golden, volunteer lobbyist for the NM bill and the mother of a stillborn baby. Richard Olsen of the National Stillbirth Society believes that this move was 'political pandering', stating that the "governor's veto is an insensitive act that marginalizes women and ignores the interests of his own constituents in favor of his presidential aspirations."

Cacciatore agrees, saying, "Richardson just vetoed a critical woman's issue, for no sound reason, and with unilateral authority…Is this the type of person we can trust to represent women's interests across America? Richardson won't get the votes of hundreds of thousands of our grieving parents across the country…The vetoing of this bill is a ham handed misjudgment on the governor's part."

"He clearly doesn't understand this bill, and didn't take the time to inform himself. It's shameful. He's slapped grieving mothers and father in the face, not just in New Mexico, but across the country," says Daryl Logullo, National Legislative Liaison for the MISS Foundation. "He owes them, and the people of the state, an immediate apology and a commitment to this important law that parents dearly want."

Approximately 30,000 babies are stillborn each year in the United States. The cause of death for more than half the number of full-term (40-week) stillbirths is unknown, even after autopsy.

The MISS Foundation and the National Stillbirth Society are getting ready to launch an awareness campaign targeted at educating the governor so he wholly understands the issue. The organizations are also calling for the governor to request a special session to address it and issue an apology to bereaved parents whose babies were stillborn. For more information on the MISSing Angels Bill visit www.missingangelsbill.org or www.missfoundation.org.

Dh & I went to see Saw III on Sunday, for my birthday. I loved the first two, so I was really excited to see this one.  This one kinda touched me on a personal level because of the subject matter.  Spoilers below, but not major ones as they are revealed early in the movie.

 

 

SPOILERS BELOW!!

 

 

 

 
LAST WARNING!!!

 

 

 

 
The movie really hit close to home, I was very surprised. One of the main characters in a 'game' had lost his son in an accident. Through the game, he had to confront different people who did him wrong through the ordeal (the witness to the crime, the judge and the drunk driver.) His second test was to burn all of his son's belongings - including his photos. I just don't know if I could do that! I mean, I guess in that circumstance, I would, but I can just imagine how hard that would be.

One of the other main characters was a woman, whose life had took a bad turn and she was growing distant from her husband and taking antidepressants.

The whole thing really just hit home, and I kept thinking what if that were me?  I could relate so much to both protagonists. It makes you wonder, if someone was really judging your life, would they see your actions and think you weren't totally grateful? I know that I need to spend more time with Dh, and I've been working on it. I've also worked a lot through my grief. I'm slowly 'getting there.'  However, I do think it's possible to move through the grief and still hang on to precious mementos and memories.  It's not something you get over, you just get through.

On September 28, 2006, House Resolution # 222 was passed in the House of Representatives supporting the goals and ideals of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Many families watched this take place live on C-SPAN Television, watched live on the internet, and listened on news radio.

See the video here.

The House started out with several speakers. Georgia Representative Lynn Westmoreland, Illinois Representative Danny Davis, Iowa Representative Tom Latham, Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey, and ended with California Representative Brian Bilbray.

California Representative Brian Bilbray told of his own personal story 22 years ago. He and his wife lost their precious baby at the age of 3 months to crib death which is now known as SIDS. Soon after, they agreed to pass the House Resolution.

Approximately 4 million babies are born each year.  Between 26,000 and 39,000 babies are stillborn each year.  That's 83 per day, or 4 per hour.

Take a board the size of tryingtoconceive.org which currently has 1817 registered members.  According to these statistics, it is estimated that TTC should have between 11 -17 parents of stillborn babies.  It's so sad.