We got to the hospital and got set up in a birthing room. I was having regular contractions, but nothing real strong, about 6 minutes apart. As 9 am approached, I started to get very nervous, but after awhile it subsided.

I was wheeled into the c-section room and my spinal was started. The anesthesiologist had a hard time with it, and it was more painful than last time. They ended up stopping where they started and trying a location just above it. My OB's assistant was late getting in there so I had been laying there for a little while.

I felt some pressure, what I thought was my OB marking on my skin where to cut, and then realized, she was actually cutting. I could feel everything, there was just no pain. I'm not sure if it was a result of a bad spinal, plus having laid there for awhile, but I certainly didn't feel that much last time. I guess she got down to my uterus and she said she could see the stitching from my previous c-section. I felt every little snip and tug. Then there was a loud suction sound and she says, "Well, hello little one!" She said the exact same thing to Aaron. Then I felt her pull the baby out and put her on top of my belly. Moments later, I see little Annabelle beside me, the nurses cleaning her up. She was so blue, but quickly pinked up.

Soon after that, I felt my OB go deeper, to perform my tubal. It was then that I started feeling some pain. After a few minutes of feeling the pulling, I was out like a light. I woke up in a recovery room. I didn't think it was OB recovery, as the setup was a lot different than before. When I woke up, I could wiggle my toes immediately, something that didn't happen until a couple hours afterwards last time. I wasn't numb at all, I guess the spinal had totally wore off at that point. I got to looking around and saw a man directly across the room from me, and I was absolutely sure at that point that I was not in OB recovery. I have no idea why I was sent downstairs, I was too scared to ask because I thought something had went wrong.

I got back upstairs and finally got to meet Annabelle. The first day went wonderful. She hardly made a peep and slept so much. My mom stayed with me that night to help out while Mike went home to take care of the boys. She went home early and I pretty much spent day 2 by myself. I had felt pretty good being on the morphine, but after I told them to take it away I really started to hurt - though not as bad as last time! I was up walking without a problem, just feeling some pain.

Day 2 took a huge emotional toll on me. Annabelle got a hepatitis (sp) b vaccine. Not long after, she started turning a little purple and got very hoarse. Her cries didn't even come out as cries, they came out as a whisper. I was terrified, but the nurses kept telling me nothing was wrong, that she was fine. I felt like nobody was listening to me. I felt like everything was too good to be true, and it was about to come crashing down. I called Mike, I wanted him to stay the night with me so bad. I was scared something was going to happen and I wouldn't have anyone there to help. I totally lost it, I broke down. He talked the nurses into taking Annabelle to the nursery for the night to keep an eye on her and let me sleep. I hadn't slept in 4 days and it was really taking a toll. I was given some Ambien to help me sleep.

I woke up on Day 3, well rested and more emotionally stable. I just can't explain the panic I'd had the previous evening, but it was overwhelming. I kept thinking, what had I done. Everything seemed so perfect, I was waiting for an axe to fall, and I had sealed my fate by getting a tubal. As the day went on, I felt a lot better about everything. My OB came in and discharged us. We went home, and that evening, I was feeling well enough to make pancakes!

Well, I’m 16 weeks pregnant! I’m already so paranoid (after saying in my last entry that I wasn’t.) I’ve called my doctor a few times and even went in the other day for some pain, to find out it’s only ligaments. I guess better safe than sorry though! I see my OB next week for my checkup and quad screen.

The boys are doing great. Nick can stand on his own for a few seconds, and just today, Aaron sat up all on his own! My sister kept them overnight Saturday so Mike & I could go out for our anniversary. We ate dinner at Alongi’s and then saw a movie (The Ring 2.) The next morning, we slept in until 7:30 am!

Recently, there’s been a huge buzz around the ttc, pregnancy & pregnancy and infant loss community. Some sick person decided she needed attention, and lied about having a baby, then the baby dying 2 hours later. It was a huge explosion that’s had a very negative effect in the “community.” They are calling it Munchausen by Internet, making up a fake baby and making up things bad about it. As someone who has been there, I don’t see how anyone could possibly do this, especially since she claims she’s had 4 miscarriages and a stillbirth.

So this leads me to the following thought: What if people think I’m lying? I talked to my mom about it and she didn’t think people would think that. After all, I have proof of everything. I have proof my daughter died, that I got pregnant with twins, I had a very complicated pregnancy and numerous hospital stays. Heck, I have the $8000 bill for the helicopter ride! If you are reading this and think you need proof, just ask. I’ll be happy to share it. I don’t want people to think I made all this up, it really did happen to me.

Hmm… where do I begin? Let’s start with Aaron & Nick. I can’t seem to keep up with Nicholas sometimes. He’s crawling all over the place. He’s standing up on his own, holding on to the baby gate, couch, coffee table, whatever is available. He can scoot from side to side, a little bit too. Yesterday he was standing up, holding on to the baby gate, and he let go! I even caught it on video, he was waving his arms in the air trying to keep his balance, it was cute!Aaron has had one tooth pop through, and I think he’s getting two more, one on each side. He’s saying Dada quite a bit. It’s really cute, because if you say Dada in a regular tone, so will he. If you whisper it, he’ll whisper Dada too! He’s also said Mama once or twice, Hi, Baba a couple times, and a few words that he just made up. Nick has only said Mama, and it’s only been when he was crying.

Now for this pregnancy. I’m 12 weeks 5 days, 2 days away from the second trimester! Wow, it’s going fast. I guess it’s probably because I’ve got the boys to keep me busy. I’ve been very crampy. I called my doctor’s office, and they said it’s normal, but I’m concerned about my irritable uterus flaring up. I see Dr Hartman on March 24, so I’ll talk to her about it. Maybe she’ll even give me an ultrasound! That would be great. Otherwise, my next u/s is at 20 weeks. Which, really, is only 7 weeks away!I’ve heard the baby’s heartbeat on my doppler 3 times now. 172 bpm, 168 bpm, and the other day, 172 bpm again. Very fast, maybe that means we’re having another girl!I have noticed that I’ve been a lot less paranoid about this pregnancy. Most likely that’s because I’ve had a (fairly) successful pregnancy now. I mean, it was really hard and lots of complications, but it did result in two, healthy, beautiful baby boys! Maybe there’s nothing genetically wrong, maybe Mariam’s death was just a fluke. We’ll never know now. But I’m sure she’s watching over us, and this pregnancy will go fine.

Speaking of Mariam, I think I’ve finally just broke down and accepted that we’re going to have to get her one of those headstones that I don’t like. I saw one that was recently installed, and it was actually pretty. I guess I was just so caught up in giving her the best I could, that I was being blind to ones that were available. I’ve been so upset that our cemetery would only allow a certain type of headstone, but that’s nothing I can change, so I have to accept it. I don’t want her buried there, I want her in my family cemetery, but we were under a lot of stress and pressure when she died, and we just accepted the offer of a free casket & plot. We had two free offers, but the other place, she wouldn’t have her own plot, she’d be in a mass grave with one stone for all babies, and I just couldn’t do that. I’m hoping this summer we can put a down payment on her stone. Maybe we’ll be lucky enough to have it installed for her second Angel Day. I think I might find a little closure when her grave is finally marked, and I am able to bring her flowers on a regular basis.

Today I am thankful for the health of my boys.

Well, it’s official. I had an ultrasound yesterday. We saw a heartbeat! Just one baby, and it had a heartbeat. I’m a week earlier than I thought, making me 7 weeks instead of 8. Wow! It still seems like a dream, but it feels a little more real now. We’re going to have a lot of adjusting to do.I’m very happy that it’s just one baby. If it had been twins and my pregnancy went like it did last time, there’s no way I would have been able to take care of the boys. With one, I’m hoping for a shot at a normal pregnancy for once. I don’t want to see my doctor at least once a week, I don’t want to go to the hospital until it’s time to deliver and I don’t want a pump stuck in my leg to stop contractions. I just want a normal, healthy, full term pregnancy, is that too much to ask?If this pregnancy is successful, I’m having my tubes tied. I really hope it’s a girl, I want a girl so bad! I feel like it’s a girl, so we’ll see.

Onto the boys! Nick cut his first tooth and he’s already working on another. Aaron is trying to cut his first tooth. Both boys have run a low grade fever and been a bit fussy. However, the past two nights they have slept great. Nick did get up at 2 but Mike said he was only up for 15 minutes.Speaking of Mike, he’s almost done with his Trans Am! I’ll be so happy when that car is put back together and I get my car back.

Someone recently called me selfish. This hurt in a very big way. I give myself away so much, I’m constantly doing things for other people and I never ask for anything in return. Why would say this? I have devoted so much time and effort into helping others, it just breaks my heart for someone to think I’m selfish.

Hmmmm… I can’t think of anything else so I guess that’s it!

Today I am thankful for the chance to have another baby. Although it was a big surprise, it will be deeply loved.

I’m putting up with a cold… trying to fight it really, but there’s only so much I can do for it. OJ, rest (ha!) and sudafed seem to be the 3 musketeers of wellness for me at the moment.

As I’m battling this cold, I am also sitting here, my nerves as racked as they can possibly be. I’m in total shock, as I peed on a stick the other day and found this:

 

 

Didn’t I tell you, shocked? Holy cow! This is so unexpected. The boys just turned 6 months old. I figure I’m roughly 6 weeks, though I am not for sure. Hopefully I’ll have an ultrasound soon to not only confirm ONE baby, but a due date as well. My first appointment is February 8. I’ll talk to a nurse then and get bloodwork. Hopefully they’ll schedule an u/s then too.

In my last journal entry, my last statement said:

Quote:

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Today I am thankful for my true friends. They have let me cry on their shoulder, laughed with me, and carried my burdens when they didn’t have to. I love you guys!

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I wish I had known just how wrong this could turn. In the past two weeks, I have discovered who my true friends are, and who never really cared to begin with. I was hurt by some people who I thought I could lean on. These people have called me a liar, selfish and many other horrible things. I will say this, I have absolutely no reason to lie. Why would I? As if I haven’t taken enough in my life that I’d have to make things up too. I wish I had made all this up. I wish my daughter hadn’t died. I wish my pregnancy with the boys was not so hard. I wish that I didn’t worry about their mortality every minute of every day. Life has dealt me a pretty bad hand and I’m just doing the best I can to cope with it. Give me a break!! This is exactly why I hate sharing my personal issues with others, because I get put down for it. So if I don’t tell you what’s wrong, don’t get mad at me for it. I don’t do it because I don’t need to be mocked. These people should be ashamed of themselves for telling me that they would stand by me, and then kicking me while I was down.

I do thank my friends who have stuck by me. You have no idea how much your friendship means to me. No, I do not ask for anything in return. I’m not a person who has to get something back in order to give it. If I were, then why do I do so much charity work? Why have I dedicated so much time and money into helping other people?

In closing, I am thankful for my husband. I know I’m a big pain in his you-know-what, but he still loves me and puts up with me.